A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arraignments. As part of these arraignments she met with her rabbi to talk bout what type of funeral service she wanted, etc. She told her rabbi she had two final requests:
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales.
"Bloomindales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomindales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

"I think I'm getting a divorce -- ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, stop smoking, stop running round at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress properly, to enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, and how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you."
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, I don't think she is good enough for me."

Due to many problems airlines had with existing planes, a new, fully automatic plane was developed. You're invited to be among the first people to fly on this super plane. As you sit down in a comfy seat, you hear a computer voice:
"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the fully automatic plane from Tomorrow Airlines. This state of the art plane is novigated by the latest computers to eliminate any possability of human error. There is no need for human crew on this plane because everything is fully automatic.
"On the side panel of your seat you will find various buttons. Press corresponding bottons for food, drinks, or other items, and our robots shall promptly bring you your selection. To lower the back of your seat, just say the command 'lower seat' and the back of the seat will lower automatically. Also, for your entertainment, you can use our TV, computer, VCR, CD player, or DVD all imbedded in the back side of the seat in front of you. Remember, everything on this plane is fully automatic and computerised to ensure your outmost safety, so there is absolutely no need to worry... to worry... to worry... to worry... to worry... to worry..."